I am sorry to have to be writing this, and it is something I never expected to have to write when I began this blog. I have had increasing doubts about the experiences I had while using a legal substance over a period of time in which I encountered Jesus as a being of light.
I have gone over and and over what happened in that time period and in the time since, trying to understand and make sense of what has happened in my life, what led me to this conclusion, and why I no longer hold this belief.
I do believe I interacted with Jesus at times, and I believe that others times this was not so. I believe I imputed many of my own ideas about the identity of Jesus into the experiences I had in the beginning when I had my initial experience with a massive disc of light. I have come to the realization that it was me that made the connection between this presence of light and the sun, and that this was never explicitly stated by him.
I was devastated to come to this realization, and am only beginning to ponder and accept the harm that I have caused others by confusing and misleading them to believe something that isn’t true. It breaks my heart to think of having caused other people harm. I grew up in a very conservative religious denomination and I am fully aware of the perils of being a false preacher/prophet, and I am stunned to find myself in that position.
Part of the problem is that I was not intimately familiar with the Old Testament of the Bible, and I began reading through it from the last chapter forward some months ago. When I read verses 15 and 16 of Ezekiel 8 where God talks about the abomination of seeing people worship the sun in the sacred Temple, it was as if a bomb had gone off in my psyche.
I realized that I had imputed many of the theories of mythologists into my own experiences, and sadly I had absorbed these theories even though some of these writers were atheists. I jumped to a conclusion without even noticing I had done so.
I knew about Paul’s vision on the road to Damascus, where he said a light brighter than the sun had blinded him. I also had read several experiences of people who had had interactions like mine, but none of them conflated this glowing light with our star, they simply described it as such, or said, like Paul, that the light was ‘brighter’ or ‘bigger’ than the sun.
It was me that made this connection between my experiences and the sun, and between the identities of ancient sun gods. I was trying to make some sense of the world, and I leapt to make a connection when I should not have.
I have not come through this experience unscathed, and I am now beginning to pick up the pieces and try to figure out how to make right the harm that has been done by my carelessness and eagerness to make a connection where one apparently doesn’t exist. I don’t know at this moment how that can be done, and I can only take it one day at a time. I have deleted much of my material from public access, including both ebooks I had written. I am praying that God and Christ will lead me from here and show me each day how to continue to mitigate this harm.